Satire

Squid’s Ink: Chum chum chum chum

Even as daylight lingers, here in the Ocean State, the ink is thick and dark with swirling chum and hidden agendas. Our hackers didn’t have to look far to find the usual manipulations and idiocies. In this column, we’re just kicking a few rocks and seeing what scuttles.

  • In a profitable effort to keep pandemic numbers down, the State of Rhode Island has begun charging sales tax on COVID-19 test kits. That’s right. They used to be free, but now we’re making bank! 
  • Speaking of bank… The proposed Apex… er, Tidewater Soccer Stadium was given a delay of game penalty card when RI Commerce sent their request for more taxpayer funding back to committee. Former RI Money Store Chief Stephan Pryor denied it had anything to do with his run for State Treasurer. “I like giving businesses multimillion-dollar bribes,” Pryor explained. “I was just in the restroom washing my hands.” He resigned from RI Commerce about ten minutes later to run for state treasurer.
  • Speaking of multimillion-dollar bribes… the off-season Pension Obligation Bond referendum passed! Providence is Saved! The citizens of Providence approved… wait, let’s be real. Four percent (4%) of the voters participated in the farce, er, referendum, and a little more than 3% actually voted to approve it. Imagine two half-empty RIPTA buses searching for a new bus terminal, and the guy who filled the tank of another bus with gas voted “Yes.” Now we’re in a quandary, hoping that interest rates never go down, so the bond will never be issued.
  • Ten minutes after PVD hid… er, deferred… er, gambled… on paying off Cianci-era retirees with a Union-backed Ponzi scheme… Okay, so that whole sentence got away from us, let’s start again.
  • Ten minutes after PVD pretended to solve the pension crisis, the City Council gave taxpayers a break, lowering the real estate tax in order to gather votes for the upcoming election. “We had to do something,” said mayoral candidate Nirva La Fortune. The Council celebrated by taking bong hits then holding hands and singing “Kumbaya!”
  • Speaking of bong hits… Marijuana is finally legal in RI, a fact which New Orleans trumpeter Kermit Ruffins publicly celebrated again and again during his stellar performance at PVDFest. That he spoke from the “City Stage Sponsored by Waste Management” was not considered an ironic reflection on the state of the city.
  • Speaking of solid waste… A “privately owned” sewage treatment plant in Woonsocket has been caught dumping effluent (that’s piss and poop for us non-scientists) into the Blackstone River since July of 2021. This June, the RI DEM woke up and realized that the Blackstone River is contaminated and advised staying away from the water. When asked if the festering sludge affects the Seekonk River, DEM said, “No. It’s got a different name, which protects boaters, fisherfolk and clammers downstream.”
  • Speaking of guns… (Ok, we weren’t speaking of guns, but we’ve got a rhythm going.) After a spate of mass shootings, RI did the bare minimum by making large capacity magazines illegal. In a Providence Journal interview, Senate President Dominic Ruggerio was quoted as saying, “I will never vote to take anyone’s gun away from them. Never. Never. I mean, that’s a constitutional right … unless it’s a domestic abuser.” 
  • Speaking of domestic abusers, Joe Marzilli’s Old Canteen restaurant is for sale. Numerous articles have cited the allure of the popular dead mayor and wife batterer Vincent A Cianci’s “Table Number Five.” A historical marker cites this as the exact spot where the phrase “under the table” was coined.
  • Speaking of lip service, the State of RI and the Federal Government made Junteenth a holiday, celebrating the fact that many enslaved non-white people have been denied freedom, education and economic opportunities for longer than legally permitted. Can we feel good about America yet? Speaking for the long-oppressed Native and formerly interned Japanese and railroad-building Chinese American communities Tonto, Kato, and Mr. Wang the drycleaner all shook their heads, but because they’re still sidekicks, didn’t have any speaking lines.
  • Speaking of packing the United States Supreme Court by increasing the number of justices… No, the Democrats have been too cowardly to even put forth the option.

Well, I’m going to go grab my assault rifle, and prevent an abortion, because in 2022, women don’t get to choose who to bring in to the world and little children don’t get a say on getting shot. 

Termination Destination

Within days of the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe V Wade, our hackers uncovered a new addition to the Innovation Economy: Planned Parenthood of Rhode Island is collaborating with the Providence Tourism Council to turn Rhode Island into your “Abortion Vacation Resort!”

The $5,000 (reimbursable) package includes:

  • Round trip airfare from Orlando to TF Green 
  • Luxury office accommodations in the Superman Building
  • Fried calamari (rings only) on Federal Hill
  • All you can eat hot wieners at the New York System
  • Armed escort to and from Planned Parenthood
  • An expedited medical marijuana card to brighten the mood
  • A RIPTA shuttle to Scarborough Beach
  • And all the Del’s Lemonade you can drink

“We are aware that for many, an abortion is a serious and often depressing procedure,” said Dr. Ima Freud, the interim head of interims. “With Disney offering to cover the costs, we think this is a great opportunity to bring that DNC to PVD!”

Several slogans are under consideration:

  • Fuck the Supreme Court, Visit Rhode Island
  • Warmer, Cooler, Abortioner!
  • We’re your termination destination!
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