Squid's Ink

Squid’s Ink: Fundemic! by Hasbro!

Our intrepid hackers found a back door into the US DOH Procurement system, and were thrilled to find Rhode Island’s favorite siblings have begun working closely with the US Department of Health and the CDC…

From: Ima Loon (they/them), Team Leader, Hasbro Game Simulations

To: Yoowanna Laff, Lead Obsfucator, Center for Disease Control Office of Information Management

Dear Yoo,

Thank you so much for the case of home test kits. Imagine our surprise when seven out of ten employees came back “positive.” Oh-my-acron! This, of course, explains why it’s taken me so long to get back to you.

I am curious, why were these test kits made in Thailand? What with the container shipping delays and the whole slave labor thing, aren’t there any companies in the US that can do the job? I know a guy in North Providence who says that he’s got a lot of little plastic vials and that he can get swabs cheap…

Anyway, no it’s not too late to change the rules of the forthcoming board game, “Fundemic!” Over the years, we learned from phone and computer manufacturers that printing manuals is a waste of paper, so we were planning on putting the rule book online anyway.

The biggest change is in “How to Win.” In the original version, “The last uninfected player wins!” Now, “The game ends when all players have been infected. The player with the fewest Complications and highest Sanity Level wins! In case of a tie, the game begins again.” 

Here are the other new rules:

  • Every time you leave the house, roll the dice to see whether you’ve been infected!
  • Seven or eleven? You’re negative, which in this game is a positive. (Note: previously, only rolls of two, three, eight and eleven resulted in a positive.)
  • Rolled a five? You’ve been infected, but your home rapid test result came back false negative, so everyone in your “pod” will need to roll twice.
  • If you rolled a twelve, you’ve got Delta! If unvaccinated go directly to the ICU.
  • Once infected, move directly to Quarantine, where you shall remain for XX days. (Actually, we’re confused about this rule change. Are you still infectious for 10 days after symptoms begin or not? If you feel ok, can you still spread the disease? Has the science changed?)
  • The New Variant Rule: If double boxcars are rolled three times in a row – by anyone playing – the virus has mutated! Roll again. If the number is less than seven, increase virulence. If it’s more than seven, decrease virulence. If you roll exactly seven, you’ve found the neutral variant that ends the Fundemic!

We’ve also added some new “fate” cards:

  • Legalized Weed: Doesn’t reduce infection chances, but adds 20 points to Quarantine Satisfaction Bonus.
  • Restaurant Rodeo: If you own a restaurant and it’s “Open”, set it to “Take Out”. If it’s already on “Take out” set it to “Closed.” If you don’t own a restaurant, pick one and set it to “Coming soon.”
  • Counterfeit K-95 mask: roll twice every time you leave the house
  • Bogus Test Site: roll twice
  • In Stock! Buy up to four tradable boxes of two home test kits. Roll a single die and multiply by 7 to determine price.
  • National Guard: This card may be used for test sites or hospitals, but not both.

Finally, our marketing mavens want your feedback on the proposed marketing tagline:

–   “Everybody’s dying to play Fundemic!”

–   “Make mine a Fundemic!”

Which do you prefer?

 – Ima Loon