Squid's Ink

Squid’s Ink: Victories for democracy

Our hackers still haven’t recovered from the December 1 opening of RI’s marijuana dispensaries. The fug of kind bud floats in the basement and the freezer is empty of frozen pizza.… 

The First Flush of Relief

Just after November’s election results came in, RI Democrats ran to the toilet and unclenched their sphincters. Seth Magaziner surprised many, including himself, beating Alan Fung by just under 7,500 votes. Dan “Asleep at the Wheel” McKee drubbed Ashley “Packed up my troubles in my carpet bag” Kalus. We hope that they use the rest of this month to come up with some plans that have a snowball’s chance of fruition.

Holding the Abortion Card

Democrats cried “VOTE FOR US BECAUSE THEY REVERSED ROE!” and clung to a slim Senate majority like a dangler on a cat’s behind. Don’t expect anything to change before 2024. Why do we say this? Because they didn’t force the issue to a vote before the election. Cowards.

Delayed Journal sez: The Bloated Carcass to Run Again

Just after the Democrats declared losing the US House a Victory for Democracy, the ex-president in the room lumbered to the stage to make his grope for another term of demolition.

Here in RI, the BlowJo printed the news two days later. It’s a trend we’ve observed, but kept quiet about until now.

“Old news is safe news,” said Dr. Ima Freud, media consultant. “The US Postal Service has given up first-class mail delivery, why shouldn’t we give up on first-class news delivery? This way, we almost never have to issue a retraction or stay up late to meet a deadline.”

To celebrate, we’re redubbing our regional fishwrap, The Providence Delayed Journal.

Bonus Squid’s Ink Money-Saving Tip: Buy your “Forever” stamps before January 22 and save 2 cents! Kids, a stamp is a sticker for letters… er printed emails… oh, fuggetaboutit. 

One Law to Bind Him

According to the same issue of The Delayed Journal, US Rep David “I’m a Lawyer! Really!” Cicilline announced that he was proposing legislation to prevent the former Traitor-in-Chief from becoming president.

David, David, David.

The 14th amendment already prohibits insurrectionists from holding office. Do you really think that a Republican-majority House will even consider voting on this? And let’s say it passes… Talk about a gift for election deniers…

Who’s got Balls?

As a rule, we squids aren’t fans of taxpayer subsidies to build stadiums for profit-making professional sports. This was underscored with the announcement that the incoming soccer team would be called Rhode Island FC…

FC? Fight Club? Are they seriously encouraging hooliganism? 

No… Somebody got lazy and decided that “Football Club” made sense for a soccer team built in the shadow of the Patriots.

Some of our favorite times have been spent cheering for RISD’s macho teams: “Go Nads!”

The RIFC logo is great, but we still argue for naming the team after the process: The RI Kickbacks!

Flopping on Climate Change?

Qatar? Really? With two million fans overwhelming hotels in the host nation, World Cup Soccer is flying tourists in from Oman, the United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia. Yes, we know they pump it there and have plenty to burn, but come on!

We say, down with this so-called “football” thing and up with NASCAR! Maybe we can get Greta Thunberg to wave the green flag! And why didn’t the RIFC get invited? Oh, yeah, they don’t really exist yet.

It’s Alive!

Just before press time, word leaked that building the Fane Tower is back in play. Never mind that it’s in a coastal flooding zone. Never mind that it’s a looming glass and steel middle finger. Never mind that it’s another case of taxpayer subsidies and ignoring the city plan building plan. Yet another example of how millionaire real estate moguls waive money and the promise of jobs and permanently change our skyline. Because Providence needs more high income housing with less parking and no added funding to schools…

The Squid’s Inkdex

  • Number of people living on the planet: 8 billion
  • Minimum number of people who will die in the next 100 years: 8 billion
  • Average number of people who will die every minute for the next 100 years: 152
  • Number of mass shootings in the US this year: 610 (gunviolencearchive.org)
  • Maximum number of bullets permitted in RI Guns: 10
  • Approved two-year budget for Providence Reparations: $10 million
  • Approved tax breaks over 30 years for “Superman” building: $30 million
  • Number of squid eaten in an average serving of calamari: 7.3
  • Number of squid tentacles per serving: 7
  • Estimated number of clams in a bowl of New England Clam Chowder: 1.7
  • In Manhattan Clam Chowder: 1.4
  • In Rhode Island Clam Chowder: 2.6
  • In a half dozen clam cakes: 0.88